What to Say When Someone Has Died
Bereavement Guidance
Finding the right words after someone has died can feel incredibly difficult. You may be worried about saying the wrong thing, upsetting the person or intruding at a private time.
In reality, there is rarely a perfect thing to say. What matters most is that you acknowledge what has happened and let the bereaved person know that you are thinking about them.
Keep it simple and sincere
A message of sympathy does not need to be long or carefully written. A few honest words can provide far more comfort than a lengthy message that does not feel personal.
“I am so sorry to hear about John. I am thinking of you and your family.”
“I do not know what to say, but I wanted you to know that I am thinking about you.”
“Mary was such a kind person. I feel very lucky to have known her.”
Using the name of the person who has died can make your message feel much more personal. It also reassures the family that their loved one is remembered.
What to say in person
Meeting someone following a bereavement can feel awkward, particularly when you are unsure whether they will want to talk.
You do not need to begin a long conversation. A simple expression of sympathy is enough.
“I was very sorry to hear about your dad.”
“I have been thinking about you.”
“It is good to see you. Please do not feel you need to talk about anything.”
Let the bereaved person decide whether they want to continue the conversation. Some people will want to talk about the person who has died, while others may prefer to speak about everyday things.
Try not to rush in with advice or immediately compare their experience with a bereavement of your own. Listen to what they are saying and allow them to lead the conversation. Sometimes they may need to tell the same story more than once.
Silence is not necessarily uncomfortable. Sometimes simply being present is more helpful than trying to fill every moment with words.
What to write in a sympathy card
A sympathy card gives you an opportunity to share a short memory or say something about the person who has died.
A simple message could include three things:
- An acknowledgement of the death
- A personal memory or kind thought
- An offer of continued support
“I was very sorry to hear about David. I will always remember his sense of humour and the way he made everyone feel welcome. I am thinking about you all.”
For someone you did not know particularly well, it is perfectly appropriate to keep the message shorter.
“Please accept my sincere condolences. My thoughts are with you and your family.”
Is it appropriate to send a text message?
A text or WhatsApp message is absolutely acceptable, particularly when it allows you to reach out soon after hearing the news.
Keep the message warm and do not place any pressure on the person to reply.
“I have just heard about your mum. I am so sorry. There is no need to reply, but I wanted you to know that I am thinking about you.”
“I do not have the right words, but I wanted to send you my love.”
A message can also be helpful for someone who may not feel ready to answer telephone calls or speak about what has happened.
Actions often speak louder than words
Telling someone, “I am here if you need me,” is kind, but many people who are grieving will not know what to ask for. They may also feel uncomfortable asking for help, even when they genuinely need it.
A small practical gesture can mean far more. Making a pot of soup, a dish of macaroni cheese or something that can be easily reheated can take one small worry away.
You might also offer to collect shopping, walk the dog, cut the grass, take the bins out or help with the school run.
Rather than leaving the offer open, try to be specific.
“I am making soup today. Can I bring some round for you?”
“I am going to the shops this afternoon. Send me a few things you need.”
“I can take the dog out tomorrow morning.”
“I will leave some dinner at the door. There is no need to answer.”
Only offer what you can genuinely manage. It is better to promise one specific thing and follow through than to offer unlimited support that you may not be able to provide.
Always be respectful and avoid arriving without warning, but do not be afraid to take the lead. A simple act of kindness can go a very long way when someone is trying to cope with a death.
Do not be offended if your offer is declined. The important thing is that the person knows the support is genuine.
Phrases to avoid
Most unhelpful comments are said with good intentions. However, some familiar phrases can unintentionally minimise how the person is feeling.
Try to avoid saying:
- “At least they lived a long life.”
- “Everything happens for a reason.”
- “You need to stay strong.”
- “I know exactly how you feel.”
- “They are in a better place.”
- “Time is a great healer.”
- “They would want you to be happy.”
Every bereavement is different. Even when you have experienced a similar death, it is better not to assume that you know how the other person feels.
“I cannot imagine what this is like for you. How are you feeling today?”
Religious language should only be used when you know it reflects the beliefs of the person and their family.
Share a genuine memory
Families often appreciate hearing how their loved one was known by other people.
You might mention something kind they did, a conversation you remember or a quality that made them special.
“I will always remember how welcoming your mum was whenever I visited.”
“Your dad always took the time to ask how everyone was doing.”
“Sarah had a wonderful laugh. You could always tell when she was in the room.”
The memory does not need to be profound. Small, genuine details can mean a great deal.
Remember them after the funeral
Support often arrives immediately after a death, but it can become quieter once the funeral has taken place.
A message, phone call or small gesture several weeks later can be especially meaningful.
“I was thinking about you and Peter today and wanted to see how you are getting on.”
“There is no need to reply. I just wanted you to know that you are still in my thoughts.”
You may also wish to make contact around birthdays, anniversaries or other important dates. Saying the person’s name and remembering them is rarely something a family will be upset by.
There are no perfect words
Keep your message honest, personal and free from pressure. It is perfectly acceptable to admit that you do not know what to say.
Sometimes the simplest words, followed by a thoughtful action, are enough.
“I am so sorry. I am thinking of you.”
Support from Parkgrove
Parkgrove Funeral Directors is available 24 hours a day to support families throughout Angus and the surrounding area.
For guidance following a death or to discuss funeral arrangements, call 01241 826035.
